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It's been a while since I've offered up my infinite wisdom to help people, so I'm opening up this complaint desk. Complain about anything in here, and I'll either refer you to the correct department, offer helpful solutions for your problem, or inform you of creative ways to get over it and go away.



My window is open to receive your complaints.

I wish to make a complaint about the complaint desk.

I am stranded in Downtown Minneapolis after work. Fix it.

In the past 3 days, two different companies have tried to screw me out of a 900 dollar dress and tried to force me into a much more expensive apartment because of their incompetence. Which one should I bomb first?

People fail to respond to emails quickly enough. How do I attach time bombs?

We've put a seat in your seat so you can wait while you wait to complain about complaints. Take a number and we'll get back to you when we get back to you to tell you to jog off.



Do these companies have physical addresses and are their managers human beings? Any useful information you can give me can help us provide the best customer service experience we can to address your complaint.



1. Call a cab.
2. Greet the Somalian driving the cab.
3. Tell the Somalian where you want to go, but don't make the destination your home. Choose someplace arbitrary and secluded, where there are few if any witnesses, like a back alley or beneath a bridge.
4. When you arrive, pay the Somalian for the ride with exact change, but don't let him see you count it. This will make the Somalian paranoid enough to attempt counting it himself.
5. As he counts the money, get out of the cab, go to the passenger's side, and kick him the in face and push him out the driver's side of the cab. This is considered a polite gesture in Somalia, so he won't fight back and will thank you in his primitive dialect.
6. The keys should still be in the ignition. Disable the lowjack tracking system and drive off. He still has your money, which is enough for a cab ride so the Somalian can go home, and you now have a car and all of his cab fair for the day.

Everybody wins.



First you will need a good scanner hooked up to your computer. I suggest the Canon CanoScan LiDE 500F Color Image Scanner. Order it from Amazon and install it per the enclosed instructions when it arrives. While you're waiting for it to show, construct your timebombs. DON'T LET YOUR MOM FIND OUT THIS RUINS EVERYTHING. Once you're all setup, cram each timebomb onto the scanner bed and choose the maximum color depth and resolution to scan the bomb onto your computer. Save each image as 'ticktickboom.jpg', and attach it to all of your replies to blow your slacker friends to rainbow land.

Scribe, Scribe, Scribe. I totally expected that link you posted to be a rickroll. You must be getting old.

I wish to complain about the white background of this site distressing my cats. Also about Peruvians.

Gaaaah, way easier said than done.

Anyway, I want to complain about not being able to add an avatar. I went to the corresponding link in Controls and all I get is a page that says "Fatal error: Cannot redeclare display_forums() (previously declared in /home/czkx24r8/public_html/forum/includes/functions_display.php:22) in /home/czkx24r8/public_html/forum/includes/functions_display.php on line 538"

Thanks for the heads up Spider. Try it again and let us know if it still doesn't work for you.

<----- MAGIC!

Motherfucking magical miracles up in this bitch.

Do some parkour.

Fuckin' magnets, how do they work? You know I was going to go to an ICP concert but I backed out last minute. I found out a couple days later that two guys outside that very concert got stabbed to death because they made fun of Miracles...

If you had gone, you would just be hurting yourself far more than you'd be hurting them.

Food for thought: Between the facepaint, stylised stage performances and exceptionally mediocre music, ICP has more in common with KISS than any other band I can think of. Also, after watching a 60 minutes interview with the band and reading a few articles, I'm convinced the fat one is in on the joke.